B O N D P H O N E.
Words and pictures by Chris Lamb.

I got the Gizmodo job, so you can find me Monday through Friday here being rude about cellphones and making sure every damn robot that comes down the pipe gets his fifteen minutes in the sun. Obligatory Freaking Out and What Does It All Mean babble coming soon for all three of you regular readers, once I get properly adjusted to my new schedule of being a goddamn goldmine of snark and wisdom from 7 A.M. on.

In the meantime, because I like them, and fear for their safety under the spectre of my mass file trashings in the pursuit of more disc space, I present the writing samples the craigslist posting asked for. Joel wanted three sample posts in the gizmodo writing style, and this is what I came up with after a night of hamburgers and whiskey.

Mesopotamia To World: Walking is for Suckers

file under Press

Proving they won't be upstaged by Africa's Running Fast innovation of last season, the clever folks that brought you Walking Upright and Swimming Underwater are set to take the world by storm yet again with a project insiders are referring to in hushed tones as: The Wheel.

While details remain sketchy, early word from the cradle of civilization suggests the wheel will be circular, thus allowing it to roll over nearly any surface. A number of styles - ranging from "stone" to "wood" or the more advanced "bundle of logs" - and sizes ensure the right wheel for any job, be it transporting freshly carved marble to the new temple grounds or just taking the family out to see the harvest time sacrifice. So a few less reasons to curse great Baal-Shamen for making your pathetic human body so frail and weak, sounds like.

But Mesopotamia's going to have to hoof it if they want to stay ahead of the pack; look for similar models cropping up in China and the mighty Incan empire as early 2800 BC, just in time for the mighty Meso's rumored add-on Axel to hit the market. Me, I just can't wait to zip back and forth from home to the salt mines like that guy in the B.C. comic strip.

Wheel History - Invention of the Wheel [The Great Idea Finder]

Gutenberg Makes Printing Easy, Monkhood Loses One and Only Perk

file under peripherals

Last Saturday kicked off the Mainz Techfest here in Germany with the launch of Johann Gutenberg's printing press, and I have to admit the demonstration left me a little cold. For all the buzz of "revolutionizing the way information moves," what I saw was little more than a retooling of the Chinese models we've seen for years with a few bugs worked out and a lot left desired. Never mind the lack of papal approval, the speed-to-quality ratio is so dismal you may be better off hanging on to your candle lit basement full of transcribing holy men for a few more years. And plug-ins? Forget it. No ports, no fire wire, no anything. I couldn't even mention the idea of syncing up a digital camera without getting a tirade about "demon-meddling" and "soul-sucking boxes."

There's potential in the Gutenberg model in terms of sheer numbers; nothing else shown over the weekend was nearly as capable when it came to ripping copies of panel discussion schedules or the hugely popular Protestant Reformations of Martin "L33T" Luther. Shame the best demonstration of it's reproducing power was young Johann making sure every got copies of his bad poetry and "Which Apostle R U?" quiz.

The Printing Press [Wikipedia]

Official: Human Language, Vocal Chords Obsolete

file under cellphones

Tired of voices coming from your pocket-sized, QWERTY enabled camera? So far past the point of recognizable speech you're forced to carve OMG ROFL in the dirt to get your point across? Wish your phone had a little more rhythm than that shitty Lil' Flip ring tone you pulled off T-Zones? Then why not ditch the handset entirely and go straight-texting, hardcore style?

The Telegraph, from Morse Industries, is here to keep you in near-instant communication with friends and family all over the country who's actual voices you just can't tolerate any more. Text is transmitted over wire by dot-dash-dot code and translated by a qualified operator, ensuring you'll always know where the hottest barn raising or spring socials are going down. And hey! Secret code! You'll be just like spies!

Look for telegraphy to go wireless in the coming years, enabling you to shoot radio signals all the way across the ocean. Be the first on your block to start that never-gets-old SOS HAVE STRUCK ICEBERG meme.

A Short History of Telegraphy [Sam's Telecomms Index]

posted by chris  # 11:47 PM