B O N D P H O N E.
Words and pictures by Chris Lamb.

The problem with Saturday night is

1. You kiss with your teeth.
2. The artist is dressed like Avril Lavigne, or that guy from Unwritten Law.
3. You aren't terribly cute.
4. The art isn't very good, and when it is, it's hung the wrong way.
5. Most of us have seen these homestarrruner.com cartoons.
6. Kissing you, or trying to, I'm going to get a crick in my back.
7. Abby left, and the only one of your friends who's left has a fixation with shotgun-inflicted headwounds that's just plain unattractive, not to mention a bit tenth grade.
8. I'm not good at casual. I'm not good at meaningless.
9. The bit with you on the cart and Serena pushing you would have been better if it wasn't completely staged, wasn't completely Art Kids In Tribeca At One In The Morning.
10. The club was doing Morrissey night, and that's just not my thing. So I said I was going to the bathroom and didn't stop looking for one until it was an hour later and I was home.